Beat down.

“God puts rainbows in the clouds so that each of us- in the dreariest and most dreaded moments- can see a possibility of hope.” – Maya Angelou

The last few weeks have been roses and sunshine for us. I felt like I was beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. This always seems to happen right before the storm comes. This is the illusion that Autism always presents. Autism gives you glimpses of what is possible, and then snatches it away never to be seen again, or possibly to be seen from time to time. It is enough to drive a sane person mad.

Yesterday was a pretty bad day for us. Aidan’s therapist told me that he was getting a bit aggressive with her, and tried to scratch her during their session. Fifteen minutes later, he came to me with a race track he wanted to put together, “fix it, please!” so I started to put the pieces together for him, but had some trouble lining it up. Well, out comes Mr. Hyde. Aidan lost it! He became extremely frustrated with me for not figuring it out fast enough and he grabbed at my neck, scratched up my face, and the only way I was able to stop him was with the assistance of his behavior therapist.

We finally calmed him down, but then five minutes later he came over to me and said, “The word bubbles are all done!”  I wasn’t sure what this meant, or what he wanted me to do (the other wonderful fun of Autism, figuring out your child’s alternative language). I was confused, so I said the sentence back to him, “The word bubbles are all done?”

OK, now he was pissed! I couldn’t figure out what he wanted me to do and he is obviously trying to tell me something that is important to him. He raised his voice and shouted again, “THE WORD BUBBLES ARE ALL DONE!” this time he was on the verge of tears. I tried to pick him up to hold him and calm him down but that made him even angrier. Then he tried to hit me and kept saying over and over while breaking down into tears, “ALL DONE!”…”ALL DONE!”… “DONE!”… “DONE!”  His repetitive words continued for about two minutes, and it felt like an eternity. As he was yelling out, he would not let me console him and he would not calm down. The more I tried to calm him the more angry he got.  Once he stopped talking he just kicked all around screaming and crying. He just couldn’t calm himself. Finally about fifteen minutes later he let me hold him, and finally began to calm down as I hummed in his ear. For some reason whenever he will let me do this, it helps him calm down. He was breathing so hard. It broke my heart. His behavioral therapist just sat back and let me handle it. It was obvious it really shocked her. In her 5 months with Aidan, she had never seen him do anything like this before.

The reason she had never seen this before is because it hasn’t happened in over 6 months. However, it used to be almost a daily occurrence. About 3-5 times per week this would happen. Something would upset him out of nowhere, and he would become hysterical. There is no feeling worse then not being able to help your child, and every time this would happen, I could feel a part of me die inside. I knew something was bothering my baby, but could not figure out what it was or what set him off. Was he hurt in some way? It was always so obvious that something went off in his brain to cause these moments where he COULD NOT control himself. 

When I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror I saw the huge bright red scabs under my eyes and on my neck. It looked like I have an abusive husband. I had forgotten about this part of our lives. The part of this journey that has always literally left me feeling beat down and a little defeated. Just when we think we figured out what was causing his aggression or his meltdowns, BAM! It is literally right back in our face. We still have work to do.  Something is still upsetting the balance of my baby’s mind.

I have given myself a morning of coffee and self pity, but now it’s time to scrape myself out of bed and get back to work. No matter how beat down I get, I will never give up.